"Probing Dick"

Comedian Andy Dick tells all--maybe a little too much.

Interview and Photos by Giddle Partridge

Television viewers first experienced Andy Dick's demented humor via his work as a regular cast member on FOX's critically acclaimed The Ben Stiller Show. Dick went on to star on NBC's News Radio, and he appeared in feature films such as Zoolander, The Cable Guy and Old School, in which he portrays a blowjob instructor. Dick's own show, The Andy Dick Show on MTV, was hilarious and outrageous, and spawned one of his most famous characters, Daphne Aguilera, a foul-mouthed, trampy Christina wanna-be whose claim to fame is that she is the pop star's mother's aunt's niece's sister's best friend's neighbor. Dick currently plays Owen, the wacky office employee, on ABC's Less Than Perfect.

Even with this impressive résumé, the actor is perhaps better known for his offscreen antics. Dick has been in and out of rehab, and has been 86'd from numerous L.A. clubs for reasons he can't even remember. In 1999 the funnyman smashed his car into a utility pole and (allegedly) fled the scene, after which police found cocaine and marijuana in his vehicle. His drug-filled, bad-boy and bisexual lifestyle earned him a rare two-part E! True Hollywood Story.

Dick, as a person, is surprisingly sweet and down-to-earth. He's always willing to hang out with fans he encounters when he's out on the town (which is quite often). I first met Andy on the Sunset Strip at 2 a.m. outside of a club; within minutes, he hopped into my friend's car, and we were on our way to a party.

For this interview, I met with the 38-year-old comic at his residence, which is like a foster home for cute, young guys and gals. People continually come and go, and Dick's cell phone constantly rings with party info. In addition to the chaotic scene at Andy's pad, the actor seems to have Attention Deficit Disorder, making it all the more difficult to get him to sit still long enough to be interviewed. Eventually, Dick settled down on his huge red-plush couch and plopped his feet on my lap for this exclusive Q&A.

PARTRIDGE: All right, are you ready to concentrate?

DICK: Yeah. I want to talk about what we are going to do with this interview. I know it's HUSTLER magazine and all, but that doesn't mean I have to open up my guts. I could tell you stories that would turn your stomach.

PARTRIDGE: I doubt it. Why? Are you into bestiality or something?

DICK: No, I'm not into animals; I can't cross that line.

PARTRIDGE: Do you remember the first time you jacked off?

DICK: No. I don't remember this at all, but my mom told me this. It kind of gives me the signs that maybe I was molested. I was six or maybe younger, and she took me to the doctor because I couldn't pee. Maybe somebody was sucking my cock while I was sleeping and gave me chlamydia or something. The doctor said to my mom, "He's just masturbating too much."

PARTRIDGE: Had you ever heard that word before?

DICK: No. I didn't learn about masturbation until I was 17 years old. I used to get boners and touch myself until I was hard as a rock, but I only came one time when I was 12, and that was because my friend was playing with my dick for so long, it just exploded.

PARTRIDGE: That's some friend. At what age did you lose your virginity?

DICK: I was 18, but I was coming before that by people giving me blowjobs. But I didn't know how to jerk off.

PARTRIDGE: Didn't your parents teach you about sex?

DICK: No, no one told me about anything. That's why I'm so open sexually, because I don't have boundaries. Nobody taught me, "Do this" or "Don't do this."

PARTRIDGE: What was the first prank you ever pulled on someone?

DICK: When I was 12, one of my friends got me into the whole gay thing. At that age, it's called the experimental stage. My friend liked to play with my cock, but one day he wanted me to stick it in his butt. I didn't want to; so I said, "Just lay there. I'm going to get ready and put some Vaseline on it." I went downstairs, got this big ol' thick carrot, plucked off the green stuff on top and shaved it as smooth as I could get it. I ran upstairs, warming the carrot in my armpit, and I put Vaseline all over it. He was laying down; so he couldn't see me, and I just stuck this carrot in his butt. I never told him it was a carrot.

PARTRIDGE: So you're bisexual?

DICK: Well, that's what I like to think that I am. People don't believe there is such a thing as bisexuality, but there truly is. People just can't handle it.

PARTRIDGE: What are the pros and cons of girls versus boys, sexually?

DICK: Nothing feels better than a pussy. Nothing feels better than sticking my big, fat, eight-inch, stacked, hard, throbbing, pink-and-purple monster cock into a sweet, tight, wet, young, hot, throbbing, pussy, where the clit's throbbing.

PARTRIDGE: Did you ever fuck your Ben Stiller Show co-star Janeane Garofalo?

DICK: No. I was never, ever attracted to her.

PARTRIDGE: What has been your worst encounter with a super-stinky vagina?

DICK: I was dating this girl. Everything was good, and it smelled fresh, but two weeks into it, I was going down on her, and her pussy just fucking reeked, like a raccoon had crawled up in there and died and was decomposing in her cunt. The next day, she reached up in there and found an old tampon that she had forgotten was up there, and it was black. And I was going down on that shit.

PARTRIDGE: Do you give head to men?

DICK: I have in the past, but that was back in the day; it was like, "I scratch your back; you scratch mine."

PARTRIDGE: People have speculated that David Strickland from Suddenly Susan committed suicide because the two of you were so fucked up that you had sex, and he couldn't live with the shame and guilt.

DICK: We did not have sex. He and his girlfriend broke up, and he was very depressed. We went out and saw some strippers. I thought that would cheer him up. Then we were just watching something on TV, and he said, "I'll be back later," and he just walked out. I fell asleep.

PARTRIDGE: He killed himself over his girlfriend?

DICK: He was doing very bad drugs, harder drugs than me. I was smoking pot and drinking.

PARTRIDGE: Was he smoking crack?

DICK: Well, I don't like to say his personal business, but it was bad. Let's just say he was doing really hard-core drugs that you have to smoke, and he was smoking them like cigarettes. I think it just made him go out of his mind, and in that temporary insanity, he killed himself. But if he just would have gone through it for 12 hours, he would have sobered up and been normal. It's so sad. It was drugs, pure drugs. A lot of them.

PARTRIDGE: People have also blamed you for Chris Farley's death, saying you got him back into drugs.

DICK: You can't say that any one person gets any other person back on drugs. They choose to do drugs or not. Me and Farley used to party back in Chicago. We partied our whole lives. He actually got me sober, and I stayed sober for a little bit. He was my first sponsor in AA. When he decided to party again, he partied with me. That was a really short-lived run for him, because only three months later, he was dead. But he didn't die with me; he died in Chicago with some hooker.

PARTRIDGE: What have you found to be the best combination of drugs?

DICK: The best combo is to smoke a little pot, drink a little beer, do a little blow and take a little pill. That's about all you need to do. But that's only like once a year, 'cause the blow part can really fuck you up. But the best thing for me personally, if I could handle drugs and alcohol—which I don't think I really can—would be to smoke pot and drink beer. A little, little bit. It's very hard for me to do that, because a little is a lot.

PARTRIDGE: Did you learn anything from your drug-diversion program?

DICK: That it was boring, and [sarcastically] it really worked too.

PARTRIDGE: Have you ever used cock pumps or butt plugs?

DICK: No. Nothing in my butt, except a girlfriend [once] put a finger in my butt. I'm not a butt person. I don't mind if it gets touched a little; it does tickle. I like to stick my finger in their butts though, and I always do.

PARTRIDGE: Have you ever put your finger up your own ass?

DICK: I think I did try it. A handful of times, literally.

PARTRIDGE: Did you smell your finger afterward?

DICK: Yeah, I always smell things. I always smell my own farts, and after I take a shit, I take a nice whiff of it, and then I flush it. [Suddenly, Andy pulls down his pants, shows his penis to everyone in the room and screams in an exaggerated Southern accent.] Come see why they call this old boy Dick!

PARTRIDGE: How big is your cock?

DICK: Probably eight inches. Everyone saw it at Woodstock '99. [Dick's bizarro-pop/performance art group] Andy Dick and the Bitches of the Century performed there. I took my pants down. I don't know why. I resort to that if I freak out. There were too many fucking people to please, and I thought the thing that would please them the most was if they got to see my cock. So I whipped it out, thinking that would calm the savage crowd, but that made them go more wild. I got in big trouble. The people running the show came backstage, screaming at me, "Who do you think you are? You can't do this. This is a travesty; we're going out live. We have kids watching this; you are out of your mind. You don't understand the kind of trouble that you are putting us in, and you're on in five minutes. Hurry up." If they were that angry, wouldn't they just say, "Get the fuck out of here"?

PARTRIDGE: You apparently like to whip out your cock.

DICK: I have rapist qualities, but I'm not an actual rapist. You know that's going to be the headline PARTRIDGE: Do you have a top-ten list of celebrities you hate the most?

DICK: The top seven would have to be Kathy Griffin. She takes up seven of the ten. She's a friend, but I don't like it when she talks shit about me.

PARTRIDGE: What about Wesley Snipes?

DICK: Wesley, yeah, he punched me.

PARTRIDGE: Isn't he a kung-fu master? That must have hurt.

DICK: Yeah, it hurt; it didn't tickle.

PARTRIDGE: The story is that he punched you because you called him the N word.

DICK: No, I was saying the N word to my friend, who is black.

PARTRIDGE: What's the worst thing a friend has ever said about you?

DICK: When Chris Kattan did me on Saturday Night Live, his impersonation was, "Look at me; I'm a coked-up faggot," then he pushed his glasses up with his middle finger in the middle of his glasses. My retort to that is that I do not push my glasses up like that.

PARTRIDGE: Why weren't you angry with the SNL writers instead of Kattan?

DICK: I was mad at the whole show—from Lorne Michaels on down to the lowliest of the Chris Kattans.

PARTRIDGE: How is that any different from when you impersonate a celebrity, like when you did Sandra Bernhardt on The Ben Stiller Show?

DICK: But I didn't do anything like, "I'm a gapped-tooth lesbian," which is what she is. No, I love her. She's beautiful.

PARTRIDGE: Do comedians ever steal your material?

DICK: Yeah. I wrote this classic one-liner. They come once every five years. I go, "Look, I'm proud of the fact that I slept my way to the middle." I've been saying it onstage for years, and [then] I heard Kathy Griffin say it. Woody Allen stole a whole concept from The Andy Dick Show, unless it was just a coincidence. Hollywood Ending was about a director who goes blind and then tries to direct a movie blind. I had a bit where I was a blind music-video director, and he had the exact same jokes.

PARTRIDGE: Why did MTV cancel The Andy Dick Show?

DICK: I was probably too much to handle. I would often butt heads with the executives because we had different senses of humor. My sense of humor is nastier and darker.

PARTRIDGE: What did they censor from the show?

DICK: They censored this character called Henry Kubrick; he was a porn producer. He would be like the president of Vivid or something, but he takes it real seriously, like he's making classics. He compares them to masterpieces, and he has a writers' meeting where people are coming up with ideas like, "What if it's a pizza delivery person that travels through time while he's fucking girls?" It was very nasty. You would see me judging girls' vaginas there all bent over, and I'm going, "Nice. Nice. Trim it. Shave it. Whoa, what is this? Some fucking cauliflower salad?"

PARTRIDGE: Do you enjoy working on your current sitcom, Less Than Perfect?

DICK: It's fun. It's the most perfect job you could ever have. The hours are light, and the money is heavy; it's good.

PARTRIDGE: Were you on any medications as a child, like Ritalin?

DICK: I was on some small, brown pill that was supposed to help me stop wetting the bed. But I heard later that it was bad, and it shouldn't have been administered to anyone.

PARTRIDGE: Can you perform autofellatio?

DICK: Yes, I can suck my own cock. You just have to bend over.

PARTRIDGE: Will you let me see you do it; so I can take a picture for the readers?

DICK: A mental picture.

Disclaimer: Per our attorneys, HUSTLER's publication of this interview is not intended in any way to promote the use of illegal drugs--particularly the dangerous combination described by Andy Dick.

(This article first appeared in the August 2003 issue of Hustler Magazine)

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